


Scars

by Pinkfxy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: ADDING MORE TAGS AS I GO ON, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Boys Kissing, Bullying, Depressing, Depression, Dysphoria, Kissing, M/M, Panic, Panic Attacks, Scars, Sexual Content, Social Anxiety, beautiful sex for pickle :3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 20:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1661255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinkfxy/pseuds/Pinkfxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world, where Eren is born with every single scar he should have gotten in the past but didn’t because of his titan abilities.</p><p>Trigger warning: Read tags</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pickletea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pickletea/gifts).



> Hi there! This is all based on the lovely prompt created by Pickletea on Tumblr!
> 
> I love her SOOOO MUCH and this whole story is dedicated to you Pickle! :3
> 
> Find the prompt for this [here](http://pickletea.tumblr.com/post/79660921734/reincarnation-au-where-eren-is-born-with-every)
> 
> and the picture [here](http://pickletea.tumblr.com/post/81288311718/really-art-blocked-so-doodled-something-for-this)
> 
> I'm Theheichouwesawthatday on tumblr! :)
> 
> Please enjoy the first chapter in "Scars"!

My alarm beeped at a constant rhythm to wake me up. I was greeted with a thousand thoughts rushing into my mind all at once. Like a dam that broke and released all horrors as a hateful good morning, reminding me of how I was seen through others’ eyes. It was as if they were consuming me. My breathing got heavier as I tried to suppress my dreadful memories of hateful words that were spat at me my whole life.

 

I blinked open my eyes to see my pitch black bedroom, not a sign of the sun this early in the morning. I got out of my bed and padded down to the bathroom across the hall. I kept my eyes trained away from the mirror. I couldn’t handle my reality right now and I avoided it for as long as possible. But as my gaze unconsciously found my reflection, all my efforts went down the drain as I saw my body. There were scars..everywhere. Around my eyes, slashes across my face, small ones and large ones wrapping around my body, and I didn’t know why. My whole life, from the day I was born, I’ve had these scars. I was always different, a monster, and I believed that I was a monster. I turned as quickly as I could away from the inhuman face staring back at me. I threw on whatever I could find first. Jeans, longs sleeves, fingerless gloves, a hoodie, everything that would mask my true self. I ruffled my long hair with my fingers, in hopes that it would cover my face, but it never fully did.

 

I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door; I wasn’t hungry for breakfast today.

 

The air was crisp, my bare fingertips feeling the brunt of the cool air. The sun wasn’t seen yet. I had walked for half an hour before I saw it peek over the horizon, the sky turning a light pink color. It was serene walking by myself in the sunrise, my mind quiet as I paused to stare up at the sky. My peacefulness came to an abrupt halt when I hoisted up my backpack against my back, reminding me that I had to continue walking to a place where my nightmares are real, my high school. I forced my feet to step forward, but that didn’t stop the dread from seeping into me, filling me up with fear for the words that would be silently whispered and harshly thrown at me.

 

I saw the building up ahead, causing me to tilt my head down lower by habit. The voices from all the people grew louder and louder as I moved forward. I recognized it as a soundtrack for my hell. As I reached the school doors, I hadn’t realized my hands were shaking until I lifted one to open up the door.

 

My chest was heavy, the air suffocating, making it hard to breath. My head hung low until I needed to look up to find my locker. Nervousness ran through my veins at the thought of new people seeing my marked up face. I ran a hand through the hair desperately trying to cover my face, and left it there as I reached up with the other to unlock the door. Through my peripheral vision, I could see a girl opening the locker next to mine. My curiosity got the better of me and I turned my head to look at her. But as her eyes got wide with terror when they landed on my face, my eyes became like hers. I opened my mouth to say something, but my mind went into overdrive causing me to sharply turn around and run away to a secluded hallway. What I had desperately tried to avoid had just happened, all because I acted as if I was normal and not a monster.

 

I heard the school bells ring. I didn’t need to be late during my first day back, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurry up my steps to reach my classroom. I was the last to enter before class started. I felt eyes raking over my body as I stared at the ground and carefully sat in a chair isolated from the rest. I couldn’t calm my breathing through all of class. Ever whisper I heard I thought was directed at me. Anxiety was making my mind go into overdrive. I soon forgot which class this was and who was even teaching. As the bell rang again, I sat and waited until everybody had left the classroom before making my exit.

 

Murmurs from people staring at me could still be heard clearly if you listened hard enough. No matter how hard I tried, I never did figure out how to tune them out. Even as I sat down in my next class I could still hear them; Little hushed words spoken, flying around inside me.

 

I tried to pay attention in class, maybe learn something, occupy my mind with something different. But when I lifted my head to look at the board, both sets of eyes on each side of me whipped around to stare at not me, but my scars, with alarmed faces. On instinct I dropped my pencil down and put my head in my hands, squeezing my eyes shut. I heard my pencil roll off my desk and onto the floor. I could feel the eyes of those surrounding me, drilling holes into me, waiting for me to pick it up. But I stayed just how I was, slightly rocking myself back and forth, willing myself to keep it together and not run out of here.

 

This time, I got up with the bell ringing and walked out before anybody else could start judging me. I had one more class to make it through before lunch. It went just as the first did, except with more fidgeting, making sure my sleeves and hair were doing their job of covering my skin.

 

Lunch was just like last year, eating by myself in the hallways of my hell. I hated being only with my thoughts more times than I needed, but I couldn’t survive in the cafeteria.

 

The rest of the day went by with me being too aware of everybody's eyes, their words, seemingly always directed at me. The final bell rung and a slew of people came pouring down the hallway my locker was in. The girl who I saw next to my locker was nowhere to be found; I probably scared her. As I closed the metal door, my heart started pounding so hard I thought my heart would break.

 

“Hey dude, why do you have all those clothes on? It’s fucking hot out still, what’s the deal?” My head popped up at the remark. My shallow breaths turned into full on hyperventilating. I hung my head low and ignored the comment, even though it was replaying itself multiple times already inside me. I began walking towards the door before the same guy spoke again.

 

“Hey, I asked you a question. What’s with all the clothes?” I could hear him walking to me this time. I pushed open the door and ran. I ran for as long as I could, leaving my lungs burning. I caught my breath, but it hitched in my throat. The back of my throat began to tighten up as I walked the rest of the way home. Finally my home appeared in front of me. But I still didn’t feel calm.

 

I opened and shut the front door, keeping a blank face on in case I saw my mother; I usually didn’t. I trekked up the stairs and finally made it to my bedroom. Quietly, I shut my door and slid of my backpack, my head leaning back against the door. My breathing started becoming erratic and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. I made no move to wipe them away. There was no dramatic wailing to be seen, just my face plainly looking at nothing as the tears kept coming. I slid down my door until my knees were bent into my chest, but still then, everything lied limply. The only sign that you could tell I was sad was the growing wetness on my cheeks. I was so used to this that I was slowly becoming numb to the emotions that would follow. I only ate lunch today and I didn’t find an ounce of hunger in me. My body fell to the ground, landing on my side. _This was only the first day_.

 

It was pitch black in my room when I blinked open my eyes. I stood up, removed my pants and shirt, leaving me in only my boxers, climbed into bed, and slept.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Sorry for taking so long for this next chapter!  
> I had writer's block and I wanted to make sure this was good and not rushed :)
> 
> Enjoy chapter two!

Everyday is the same. I wake up, I leave, I experience hell, I come home, my eyes pour out every last drop they have in them while I almost become numb to it. Rinse and repeat. It’s like I’m living the same nightmare over and over again but I can’t change it and I can’t wake up from it and no matter how hard I try, nothing good ever happens. That glimpse of hope people tell you about, that thing that gets you by? It’s not there. And it won’t ever be there for me. These scars have trapped me in a world of fear and shame and hopelessness. It’s like I’m caged in by them, and I can see a world without them, but the beings in that world seem to mock me saying you can’t ever be like us. I can’t get help for it, there’s no treatment for this. It’s just always there, and always will be.

 

All the lights are off in my house. I memorized how many steps it takes me to walk down the hallway, down the stairs, and out the front door. I’m usually greeted by the sounds of only my feet on the ground. But as a harsh voice fill the air, my head shot up, searching for where it came from.

 

“Eren.” My mom, with her dark eyes fixated on me, snapped me out of my repetitive daze.

 

My eyes were like those of a scared deer’s, afraid of what was to be said next.

 

“Has anybody saw?”

 

Not good morning, not a hi. I knew what she meant. I couldn’t tell her that yes, people have seen the monstrosity which is my face. I shook my head slowly. She sighed what must of been relief, a whiff of alcohol filling the air. It scared me to death. I needed to get out, away from her, before her own words would start lashing out at me.

 

She has never touched me with the intent to hurt me. Her words though, they have killed everything inside of me. Drowned every dream I’ve had, crushing my soul. Pounding it and ripping it apart, to only then wave it front of my face like you would with a piece of cheese to a caged mouse. She tore off my smile and poisoned me with scornful words that it wasn’t her fault she birthed a mutation of a human. The alcohol only added to the fire, making it easier for her to spew out profanities since I was four.

 

And there I was, like a scared puppy, standing in front of her. She turned around, not saying another word to me, not being able to look at her only son. I walked out the door, shut it, and made my way away from my house as quickly as possible. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

 

On my way to school, I realised two things; I have no place I belong in, not even my own home, and I never did to begin with. The second stuck with me through my whole walk.

 

My hand stopped shaking every time I lifted it to open the cold school doors. I lifted up my head just enough to see if anybody was close enough to run into. Nobody was, nobody ever was. They all seem to know exactly when I come in, as if everybody has some schedule of when the freak enters. I know they are all still talking, not even looking at me, but I swear every time, everybody just halts, all talking ceases the second I walk in. I’m suddenly aware of every imperfection I have on my body, covered and uncovered. The fact that I don’t have a hood on is screaming in my head. It’s like all around me is pointing out the fact that my only cover is my long hair, and I suddenly feel nauseous at that fact. Fifteen more steps to my locker. Forteen, thirteen, I feel all the eyes in the hallway follow me every step, searching for a mistake in something as simple as walking. Nine, eight, seven, nobody must see my face, my mother has taught me that from day one. Three, two, one, I lift my hand to my locker, and my heart stops. The metal felt colder underneath my fingertips than normal, and the scars on my hands were more prominent when there aren’t gloves covering them. My heartbeat quickened, I could feel my pulse everywhere all at once. I never knew my hand could fly back down so fast. I swung off my backpack to find my gloves not in it. Perfect.

 

I wanted to run, but I didn’t have anywhere to run to. I put my backpack back on, and tried to pull down my long sleeve shirt to cover my hands. No, it didn’t really work. I decided it wasn’t worth putting my books away.

 

I took a deep breath that wasn’t much of a deep breath and turned around to walk to my classroom. Except, that didn’t happen. Instead, I heard someone start talking to me, and my eyes got wide again. my body starting to shake.

 

“Hey, Eren, why are you hiding your hands? What are you hiding, Eren?” There snickering could be heard from the whole hallway. This time, everybody really was staring at me, I could feel it. The only thing I could do was move my legs in the direction of the classroom.

 

“Hey, don’t run away from us, what’s your problem?” I could hear footsteps coming closer, even closer. I hurried my walking, my heartbeat pounded in my chest. It’s right there, the door was the only thing I could focus on. I reached out and turned the handle, not even caring if I was drawing more attention to me but how fast I did it. The door shut loudly behind me as I took a deep breath, squeezing my eyes closed. But reality wasn’t nice enough to allow me the luxury of simple escaping bullies and then you’re free. It comes crashing down on your, making you remember that the door you just entered through doesn’t lead to a safe haven; it leads to a classroom of kids that are now staring at me for my outburst. My eyes made me look like I was pleading for my life, begging anyone for a redo on my life.

 

The weight of thirty eyes on me caused my body to recoil back in on itself. My own eyes found the floor again when I felt a familiar wetness behind them. In and out, step left, step right. I timed my breathing to my walking, willing my body to not break down and collapse right now. I sat at the same place as last week, in my corner that doesn’t do a good job at hiding me than the next chair.

 

Through the whole class, I tuned out  every word spoken and taught. I think it was history, but I couldn’t really tell since every word jumbled with the next, creating a severe mess in my brain. The person next to my kept turning his head to look at me discreetly, but he wasn't doing a good job of hiding it. The fact that he kept on looking at me for no reason made my mind switch gears into creating a reason for it. It’s not his fault that he feels the need to stare at me. All of it is because of me and my abnormal looks. I moved my hands to comb through my hair to end up covering my neck, which only made me remember that my hands were now uncovered. Stress and anxiety started to creep up on me and spread throughout my veins, frustration soon following it; and God why couldn’t I just be normal. My eyes squeezed shut too hard, resulting in an unwanted tear slipping out from them as my shoulders hunched forward, maybe hiding what just happened, I don’t know anymore. Everything else zoned out until I could just focus on my breathing. In and out..in and out..keep breathing..keep living. It’s almost tasking sometimes to just do that, just breathe.

 

The sharp ringing of the bell broke me from my overthinking. I swung my backpack across my shoulders and continued to cross my arms along my chest, hiding my hands in the space between my body and arms. There was a set of eyes that followed me out the door. I never did look up to meet them, but it felt strange...familiar, and that made my heart skip a beat before quickening up.

 

.-~-.-~-.-~-.

 

My heart did one of those drops, the ones you feel when someone startles you, or you go down really fast on a rollercoaster. It made me feel sick. I could already tell people were staring at me when I didn’t get up right away as a normal person would, eager to leave. But I wasn’t ordinary, my life wasn’t. I was never rushing out the door to go back home; I dreaded doing that. But I got up anyways, leaving the classroom last as I tried to hide my naked hands again. I just felt numb to everything now, the initial moment of panic gone from the morning, leaving me feeling empty, missing something. Like if I wasn’t filled with anxiety I had nothing else to occupy my mind with.

 

It only took me a few minutes to get to my locker, the hallways near emptied out. I looked back and forth and around me before I started to put my books away, exposing my naked hands. I looked up for one of the first times today, not having to worry if my ugly mess of a face showed. I took a deep breath, reveling in the fact that I felt calmer for once inside of school.

 

But nice things like that don’t happen to me, not unless they have a catch. And the catch was never a nice one.

 

“Hey Eren, you never answered my question from earlier.”

 

No no no no no, God please no.. Nobody was there before, I had already checked everywhere before. But theres my life for you, perfectly planned out to hurt me the best way I could be.

 

“I asked you what you were hiding Eren, and I intend to find out.” The person spoke in a calm voice, and that just made him even scarier. I was the same guy from the morning, and my heart sped back up again until I thought I couldn’t keep up with it anymore. I closed my locker, trying to keep my hands hidden, but I was just fooling myself now with the possibility that he wouldn’t see them.

 

He was already behind me before I could even make a break for the door again, yanking on my collar as if I was a bad dog and nearly threw me against the other wall. Nothing else mattered anymore, I would let my bones get broken to bits if I could just hide my marks. I was kneed in the stomach, making me crumble down to the ground, my hands held tight to my chest.

 

“All you have to do is show me, Eren.” My head was pulled back by my long hair, my head unwillingly going with the pull. I squeezed my eyes shut, desperately trying to force my head back down, but my face was still facing the ceiling, my scars on full displayed for my attacker.

 

“What type of monster birthed you?” And that was it, my tears were already being held back but they came rushing out silently now. I already knew I was a monster, I knew that already, I didn’t need someone else to tell me again. I wanted to curl into a ball and just die. My hands were shaking against my chest as I waited to be released, but I wasn’t, I was still exposed, and I knew that he was doing this just to make me suffer longer.

 

I couldn’t register if someone came and went by, my mind preoccupied with chants of please please please, just let me go.

 

“Hey” My eyes shot open, breaking me out of my thoughts. It was a low, stern voice, unlike my attacker’s. My head was instantly released, the guy running away fast, leaving me in a cringing ball on the floor. I felt a hand on my arm, pulling me off the ground until I found my footing to stand on my own. I kept my gaze down and my hands close, unable to think of what to do or say next.

 

“Look at me, Eren.” It was a command, low and deep, just like the first time he spoke, but just a little softer. I tried to steady my breathing but my lungs and heart beat wouldn’t corporate. I slowly lifted my my eyes, nails digging into my palms as I did so. It felt weird. It felt..familiar again, just like after my history class. He just kept on staring at me, his eyes drilling holes into mine, as if they were searching for something. It scared me.

 

“You can go now.”

 

And I did as he turned around to walk down the hallway.

 

I was still shaking as I walked into my house. I saw my gloves there on the kitchen table, my mother nowhere to be found. I grabbed them and went upstairs, and began searching through my school papers to find the man who saved me today. I found the page where my history teacher’s name was listed and found a name.

 

“Levi”, I whispered as I read it off the page.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS! So sorry for the super long wait! I hope it was worth it :)
> 
> HUGE thank you to Fuzzyporcupine on tumblr for editing/beta-ing this chapter!!!

There’s green everywhere. A type of green you only find in the forest. A kind of green that reminds me of freedom. It’s color has somehow caught up with the breeze, blowing effortlessly in the wind. Next to me, across from me. Sending sparks of happiness through my veins as if this freedom is something I’ve been striving towards. But I don’t know why. It all looks familiar, like I’ve seen it before, the green cloak around my neck fitted there so perfectly, keeping me warm from the cool gale. My lungs are filled with the bitter air, and I feel alive, I feel _free_.

My hands are gripping tightly at the leather reins. I can feel the muscles in my hands starting to burn, the strain being my body’s silent way of announcing its exhaustion. But it makes me smile anyways; the burn, the sting, all of it. It’s calm out here as I continue to gallop  away from this place, many others leading and following the same path; but I don’t know who they are, what their affiliation is to me. But it doesn’t bother me. Instead I look up into the sky and smile, taking in a deep breath through my nose and smelling the air as my hair whips back from my face. I feel secure, safe with everybody surrounding me. It’s almost as if I have known them my whole life, have spent a lifetime in their presence.

And, suddenly, the scenery changes.

I’m no longer racing through the forest , but instead sitting in a room. It is dim, candle lit lanterns decorating the stone walls surrounding me. I'm sitting on a wooden chair, a teacup in front of me with tea steaming inside the container. It feels comfortable, routine, normal. I'm not alone. I can feel the others around me, circling the table.The same ones with the matching cloaks. I hold my teacup and bring it to my mouth, the steam blowing hotly against my upper lip. I feel the liquid reach my skin, cooling as it hits my tongue. But I don’t taste it. I turn my head to my left and catch a glimpse of black hair-

I woke up, my eyes shooting open wide. My bedroom was still pitch black, the morning light still hiding behind a blanket of darkness.

_What was that_ …

I didn't know I had been crying until I felt tears rolling down my face, the wetness streaming down my cheeks. My heart was beating too fast to be considered normal, erratically pumping in my chest. I was so confused, just there lying helplessly in my bed as I stared up at the ceiling. The tears just kept coming and coming as I drove a hole through the ceiling with my gaze. Why was I crying? It didn’t make sense. It was like I was trapped in some other world, some other dimension that I wish I could have stayed in. It’s like the line between dreaming and reality was being smudged,and I was being held right there in that muddied line that should have been perfectly distinct and now it wasn’t and... I was scared.

I took a deep breath, because I had forgotten how to breathe, and pushed myself up and off my bed. Walking to the bathroom and turning the faucet on, I cupped my hands to hold the water as I splashed it on my face, trying to wake myself up enough to come back to reality. And I did. The second I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of it all. My scars were there, staring me right in the face. But what really woke me was when I remembered.

I didn’t have scars in my dream.

I ran a hand through the long hair covering my face, hiding the eyes that seemed to be trembling. I held it back before my forehead banged the mirror in front of me as tears started to burn the corners of my eyes. And I cried, really cried this time, with all those gross sobbing noises that comes with it. I just wanted to stay in that blurred line, even if it was just for a few minutes longer. Because, at that moment, I couldn’t handle the harshness of reality.

I was thankful I kept the water running to drown out the sounds of my crying. My mother would have no doubt woken up from the noises, and I didn’t want to have to face her right now. To go through her saying how I shouldn’t be crying, how these scars were my fault, and how I should be apologizing to her. Apologizing that I was put in her life. Apologizing that she had to deal with me and my scars.

They weren’t even scars… they were birthmarks that I was born with. They just look as wretched as white scars, covering my whole body. There were lines coming from my eyes, down across my cheeks, covering my neck, the sides of my stomach, down my legs, and up my back. I had white slashes around my left leg, just under my knee, a jagged white line wrapping under my left elbow, bite marks covering my hands almost like I was attacked by some evil dog. and I couldn’t help but wish that dog would have just finished it’s job and eaten me whole when it had the chance. There was a mark in the middle of my chest, as if someone had speared through my heart without a second thought. And the strangest one of all, an oval white mark on the nape of my neck with pointed ends. All of these left me looking like a freak, at least that’s what had been drilled into my mind from my mother. And it’s not like I can just take a break, a second away from all of this. A time when I don’t have to remember all of this, all of me. It just follows me, even as I sit in my own house. My mother would come out of her room only to berate me with her verbal accusations, only to sink back behind the door when she was finished with her insults. Then I would go to school, covered as much as I could be to hide my body from everyone. I did this with some small hope that maybe one day I wouldn’t be seen, that I wouldn’t feel like a freak. Every time there’s a mirror I see this disaster, and then it lingers in my mind and...

I looked up and met my own eyes in the mirror, bloodshot and staring back at me. I rested my forehead on my reflection and drilled holes into my own eyes until the tears would stop coming out of them.

“Why?” My voice was barely audible over the still running water, it coming out all crackly in all the wrong places.

I shut off the water quietly and walked back into my bedroom, closing the door behind me to just kneel on my bed and bury my head in my pillows. Monsters be damned if they try to get me in the dark. Hell, even they are probably scared of me. And that just made me cry again.

It’s weird how we wish for things that we hate, just because they made us feel normal. Like the monsters that hid in the dark, under the bed. But I was the real monster here. There wasn’t a need for the others anymore, because I had already taken their place in this shadowy bedroom.

I took a deep breath and held it until the need for air to re-enter my lungs was the only thing my mind could concentrate on, not those unending tears. It’s like I was numb again when the tears finally dried up. The only thing that showed how I felt missing, and I was left with nothing.

Until I remembered that dream.

How I could practically smell the tea in my cup, it’s steam heating up my face. The green that made me feel something I had lost, hope. But all that’s left is it’s lingering feeling, the small stirring in my chest. Like a candle’s ending moments, about to flicker away and die. I could feel myself slowly slipping away into that smudged line again. Slipping into the point where reality and dreaming merge. Almost like I was in  a drunken state, drunk on dreams that confused me. That numbed me in a way that brought a little life back into me. And so I stay there, unmoving for hours, not sleeping, not awake.

The constant beeping of my alarm broke me out of my daze, making me jump as my heart skipped a beat. I swallowed hard before I got off my bed, my eyes barely open and my whole body feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds. It was too early for the sun to be peaking through my window; everything still pitch black, the dark leaving me to just my thoughts once again.

But I felt strangely... calm. Numbed out by some drug I never took. It’s like in my dark bedroom, I could almost see the wooden chair I sat in, and the steam rising to the ceiling from my mug. Except, I really couldn’t see anything. Because it wasn’t real. But for the next few moments, I let myself believe I lived in that world. The world were I was accepted. The world were I was normal. It distracted me as I took off my clothes, the fabric covering my wretched body in order to prevent that flame of disgust to ignite inside of me lest I see the markings on my skin. I tossed my clothes on my bed, wishing I could just hide in them all day; hide from the world and sleep my thoughts away. Go back into the world where I was free.

I ran a hand through my hair, taking a deep breath as I realized how impossible that idea was. Me being free. My hair just fell forward again, blocking my sight again as I reasoned with myself to just play pretend for a few more minutes.

I pulled my jeans on over my boxers, biting my lip as I began covering myself again. Socks, t-shirt, hoodie, sneakers, gloves, I ran through the list over and over and over again until I made sure everything was on. But then my heart skipped a beat, and my thoughts ceased, My hands ran through my hair again as I remembered that I couldn’t forge anymore parent notes to get me out of P.E. And that may have been the least of my worries, but I felt myself start to panic. Because in gym class, it was required to wear the correct clothing: shorts and a tshirt. In other words, my scars would be left out for everyone to see.

I leaned over onto my door, my head banging against it, causing me to cringe at the noise it made. I closed my eyes and forced myself to take a deep breath. My mind calmed, and with that came my dream, all green and free and calm; and my heart stopped pounding in my chest. I reached over and grabbed my gym shorts, fisting them in my hands before pushing myself up again. I grabbed my backpack, stuffing the clothing inside before walking out of my bedroom.

Before I took the last step downstairs, I peaked around the corner and sighed with relief when I noticed that my mother wasn’t there. Falling back into that post dream haze, I slouched down and closed my eyes. Breathing deeply, I opened them up again into small slivers. I walked slowly, through the hallway, the kitchen, grabbing whatever food I saw first, and out the door without another sound.

Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of all of this. I could just sit down on the sidewalk and never move again, letting people walk past me, letting the world go on, letting myself get leftbehind. To let myself curl up into myself and hide my body, my face, my arms . Everything. To block out everything else. To become invisible. To let the dust of the earth pile on top of me. To cover my body and... and...

I can’t cry now. Not out here in the open where anyone could see. So I blink again, and again, and I walk.

Somebody would’ve thought I was a walking zombie if they saw me now, eyes dead and focused on nothing as I trekked along the sidewalk. Thinking of only my breaths as I walked towards school.

And, sooner than later, it was there in front of me once again, but I made no motion that would indicate I saw my hell before me. But then my right hand started shaking as I remembered my gym shorts, and I tugged my hoodie tighter around my head to give my hand something to do. My feet kept moving, one in front of the other until I reached the door and pushed it open, resuming my motions again.

The hallways were almost dead quiet at this time, the school doors just opening a few minutes prior. I walked to the locker rooms, smelling of cleaning supplies and sweat. Hiding in a corner, I slowly started taking off my shoes and my pants. Looking all around frantically, I checked to make sure that nobody could see me like this, exposed and disgusting. Quickly, I slipped on my gym shorts, goosebumps showing up all over my legs as the air hit them. I shoved my pants into my backpack and put my sneakers back on as I curled up on one of the benches.

My breaths were slowly getting more uneven each time a new person would step inside the room, the knowledge that they would eventually see me for who I really was swelling up in the back of my mind. Nails were soon digging in unconsciously into my palms as my teeth bit my bottom lip, the nervous ticks developing quickly from the heavy anxiety.

The room became louder and louder as more people flooded into the locker room; laughter, stomping feet, and shouting voices ringing in my ears. But nothing was loud enough to drown out my thoughts, to drown out _his_ voice. My body went rigid and my breathing ceased as I spotted him leaning against one of the lockers, his ego practically tangible. It was as if we were the only ones in the room, but he didn’t see me. Not yet at least.

I was saved as the whole room poured outside and headed to the track. I stayed as close as I could to the door, desperately trying to hide my body. But I should have known that it would be impossible.

“Eren Jaeger, hoodie off. _Now_.”

Every pair of eyes turned to me as I was addressed. They drilled holes into me with their stares; and it was as if I was being choked, unable to breathe with everybody’s stare on me. My trembling hands gripped the hem of my hoodie, pulling it over my head the best I could with my body being nearly frozen in place. It slipped out of my fingers to the grass, leaving me in just my tshirt and... Everyone’s eyes grew impossibly wide as they took in my frame. As they scrolled their gazes up and down my body, faces shocked and unbelieving. As they saw me. The true Eren Jaeger in all his monstrous skin.

They saw. They saw me. My head snapped down to the swaying grass in a desperate attempt at breaking away from the gazes. I struggled to keep breathing, trying to convince myself that I was okay. But then I heard it. The laughter. _His_ laughter.

I wanted to dash out of there, but my legs only shook as I walked towards the track. We were told to run a mile around the track. ‘We’ meaning the classmates who were now watching me with a certain disgust.. I was dead last the entire time, my body just not wanting to cooperate with the desire to be done and get out of here. The front of the line almost lapped me as I urged my feet to move faster. But all I could focus on was the murmurs. The words about my scars. About how disgusting I was. I wanted to tell them that I already knew these things, that I was a monster. But I just kept my head down as I tried to complete the mile without breaking down.

Unfortunately, gym never got easier. My body was about to collapse from the exhaustion of the class, from all the hateful words. I wished I would just collapse, faint from all of this just so I could get away and escape. Even if it was just for a little while, I would take it. But all I got was people avoiding me at all costs, or my bully shoving me around as I tried to get to my backpack.

I walked to the shower stalls once everybody had left, trying my best to hide my backpack as I stripped and walked into the stall, turning on the water. I let myself close my eyes as the water streamed across my face and down my body. My hands covered my face as I silently screamed into my hands. There wasn’t anything else I could do.

I used body wash left in the shower to scrub myself, making sure to close my eyes so I don’t look at my body. My hand came to rest on the handle as I turned off the water, letting myself drip dry as I tried to breathe again.

I got dressed and used the automatic dryer to dry my long hair before pulling my hoodie back over my head and walking out. Levi’s class was next, and my heart skipped a beat as I thought of it. Inside my chest felt funny, as if it was longer for something, but I could only assume it came from the fact that Levi was one of the only teachers who didn’t look at me with contempt.

The door to the classroom was open when I made it down the hall. I slipped in with my head low and sat myself at the farthest back desk again. A sigh of relief passed across my lips when I rested my forehead in my arms and closed my eyes. And then there was Levi’s voice, announcing something to the class and my dream started to play once again behind my eyelids.

Green everywhere, the grass, the trees, our cloaks. The feeling of freedom flowing through my body as everybody surrounded me, smiles pulling at their lips when they thought I wasn’t looking. Even as I opened my eyes again, my dream still played in my head. Warm tea, lanterns burning slowly, the steam rising in the air. I almost forgot where I was as my thoughts slowly took over. Horses carrying me off through a forest, black hair blowing in the wind as the head it belonged to turned and-

The bell rang, and my thoughts halted in place. I stared down at my empty desk as I was caught again in my dream like state. As soon as everybody had left, I reached down for my backpack and stood up, walking down to the front of the classroom. I lifted my eyes, only to be met with Levi’s unyielding gaze. It was scary, like the feeling when you would get caught doing something bad by a teacher when you were little, or when your parents confront you about a lie. His eyes searched mine, only a split second passing before he looked back down at his desk as if it had never even happened. That feeling in my chest returned, fluttering around as I remembered the way those eyes seemed to pierce into mine. The way that stare seemed so vaguely familiar. But why? Why had his gaze felt familiar? Why was my heart racing like I was just confronted by him? Why is nothing making sense anymore?

I turned and left, trying to blend in with the crowd as I walked to my next class. My heartbeat was felt everywhere, in my fingers, toes, and head, my blood rushing fast through my veins.

I had marks all over my palms from my nails digging into the soft skin, my lip chewed thoroughly through my next classes. My brain kept skipping around, gym class to green cloaks, mocking words to Levi’s stare. It made me want to rush home to confine myself in my room. Made me want to search for normalcy, to not feel anything as I sat alone in the dark. There were too many thoughts, making me dizzy by the time the final bell rang.

My glove covered hand pushed open the school door, and I took a small breath of the outside air. I tried to feel relieved, but it wasn’t over. My mom could be there, waiting for me in the kitchen, mouth ready to lash out again. It was like going off to defeat the final battle, but knowing you had to fight the same war every single day. And each time, you never defeated it. It just got stronger and stronger with each strike it made.

And so I started walking, because I had already defeated this battle and I needed to prepare myself for the next. It was oddly peaceful on my walk home, and I knew it was only a warning sign for something bad to come. It came in the form of my bully and his friends, walking behind me a few feet away. They had never come this way before, and in that moment I realized that your personal demons really do follow you home, never leaving you. Every weird place I turned, they were only feet away from me, shouting words at me every chance they found.

“Hey,” I didn’t stop as I heard his voice behind me, picking up my pace in a desperate attempt to get home faster, “Hey, I’m fucking talking to you.” No no please no, I chanted in my head, anything to drown out the sinking feeling in my gut that told me that there was no escaping this. That one way or another, he was going to get to have his fun. And I was going to just sit there and take it like usual. I cringed as I felt a hand grab at my shoulder, whipping me around to face my tormentor.

“I said I was talking to you. What? Are you deaf, too? God didn’t think you were fucked up enough?” My hands instinctively grabbed at the hem of my hoodie, and for the first time I wished I was at home. All I could do was stare at him, hands shaking and teeth clenching as I tried to keep breathing. “I guess I hit the jackpot with that one, huh?” A sneer began to reveal itself on his face, because he knew. He knew exactly how badly his words were cutting into me. And I wished nothing else than to just be swallowed up by the earth if it meant I could get away. The hand on my shoulder gave me a rough shove, effectively causing me to stumble backwards.”Get the fuck out of here, Eren. Next time I see your face I swear to God I will find a way to make it look worse.”

He made me flinch as he rose a fist, a warning for what was to come if he saw me again. I didn’t think twice as I turned to run home, his words swimming in my mind like a slow growing poison. But the thing that killed me, that made me sick to my stomach, was that everything he said was true. Every snide word, every sneer. All of it. Because he was right.

I am a monster.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small note!
> 
> [These](http://media.tumblr.com/556199b7a27e068dcfbbd8c754d49209/tumblr_inline_mtunotoHrz1ra95dc.jpg) marks from when Eren comes out of his titan, those are the scars that cover almost his whole body (including the others mentioned)! So ya, just a visual for you guys!
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading! And the next chapter should be out soon! I am theheichouwesawthatday on tumblr!  
> 


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